And so God created man in his own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them. . . . And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there He put the man whom He had formed. . . . And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man. . . . And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Though they were headed soon for middle age and had thickened in the waist and sagged in the buttocks and didn't have that much to brag about, really. Eve could see her vericose veins spreading up the backs of her legs like the rivers Pi'-son and Hav' i-lah. There were lines in her face as well, and her hair was beginning to go gray. And, as for Adam, he had love-handles of biblical proportions and was going bald on top. But he had sent away for a medium brown head fig leaf (to the Hair Club for Men) and expected it at any minute.
And God kept saying, "Increase and multiply! Increase and multiply! Multiply and increase!"
But Eve said, "Just a darn minute now, Lord! I think I've done quite well for you, haven't I?" She spread her hands toward the surrounding area, in the direction of her children, who lived in the nearby suburbs. "I've had ninety-nine sons. Now enough is enough!"
While Adam said, "Come on, baby, let's do it some more! Yeah, come on. I've got a new position I wanna try." He was tickling Eve's nipple with a blade of grass.
Eve pushed it away. "Will you tell him to stop!" Eve pleaded. "The man won't leave me alone!"
God smiled. "I really did a good job with this one here." He patted Adam on his bald head.
Adam turned to Eve and rubbed up against her leg. "Come on, helpmeet! I promise not to come this time!"
"Calm him down, or I'm leaving this place!" Eve said, putting her fists on her matronly hips.
"Like hell you will. I made him in my own image," God said, settling back against the Tree of Knowledge to watch them mate. He snapped his fingers and a box of popcorn appeared, and He began to munch.
"Got to go now!" Eve said. "Family trouble. I've got to see about Cain and Abel, especially that Cain. He's raising it again. We'll discuss this later."
God frowned. "What about more babies?" Eyes fuzzy, He extended his arms full-length, banging his palms together, a goofy grin on his lips, muttering some kind of mantra. "Babies good!" he drooled as he slowly clapped. "Babies good! . . . Babies good."
"Well, you can just have them yourself then! I'm tired of cooking. Tired of cleaning. Most of all, I'm tired of popping them out on demand!"
"You're pushing it, Eve," God said.
"Now, now, you two," Adam said, getting a boner.
And it came to pass that Eve started to leave.
And Adam looked up at God. "Isn't there some other way to make babies? I'm willing to try anything." He stroked his scrotum, which felt warmly heavy.
"Let me see. What are my options?" God paused. "For one, I can make you and that shrew keep churning them out."
"I said that option's out!" Eve yelled from a distance, giving God the finger.
"You know what happens to a hen when it stops laying eggs, Eve?" God yelled back.
"It moves to Florida?"
God was not amused. "No, the hen is no longer needed."
"Is that a threat?" Eve drew herself up to her full three-foot-nine and marched right back to the two of them.
"Eve, honey!" Adam warned.
"I don't care! Where does He get off talking to me like that? Who appointed Him God?"
"You'd better think of something else, Lord." Adam said. "I don't think she's into it anymore. I think I know her pretty well." He was almost losing his boner, but not quite.
"All right, all right," God said, "what are my other options? They don't call me Jaweh for nothing. Hey -- I've got it! I'll do it Ja-way!" (Alas, the Almighty was not only a ham, he was also inordinately fond of bad jokes. Just look around you.)
Always sort of suck-up, Adam said, "Hey, that's funny!"
Eve shook her head and left, stopping by a tree that was yielding fruit, to see how it was doing, and then pushed a cow that was eating too many fallen apples back toward the pasture. "What have you got? It better be damn good!" she called.
"I see two more possibilities," God said.
Eve rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like what?" Over the years she'd noticed quite a few other, shall we say, 'flaws' in the arrangement that she found herself in. An early feminist, she was at last beginning to find her own voice.
Sidling up to God, Adam said, "I'm eight hundred years old, Lord. What about them adolescent girls of mine? They must be about three hundred by now." He tried to keep his voice down, but Eve overheard.
She started back over, but first sending a goat that was grazing in the petunias packing. "What girls you talking about? I don't remember any girls?"
"We had more than just Cain and Abel, honey."
"When was that?"
"Years ago. We had several."
Eve scratched her chin. "Oh, that's right. Those disappointing girls. They moved away to that trailer park in the Land of Nod, didn't they?"
Adam had begun to get a real boner again.
"I see that!" Eve said. "No way, mister! That's against some law or other."
"Hey, I make the laws around here," God said. "If I say it's okay, then it's okay. I don't see how else I can do it. You got a better plan?"
"I don't even want to think about it!" Eve said, yanking up a weed in the asparagus.
"So am I going to get to do it with the girls?" Adam begged. "Huh? Huh?"
"You do and you're dead meat!" Eve said.
"Aw, hell," Adam said, "if it's good enough for the Lord, it's good enough for me."
"He's right," God said. "Let's call it Plan C, though."
"What plan are we on now?" Adam asked.
"I think we're Plan A," Eve snapped.
"Well, what's Plan B then?"
God pondered a bit more, then laid forth a new Word. "Cain and Abel are going to make babies with you, Eve!" He pointed both forefingers at her. "And we'll see how that works."
"With my own sons?" Eve said. "You must be crazy. I don't even like them!"
"Are you sure about this, Lord?" Adam said. "I really don't mind doing it with my girls -- if I have to." He sort of grinned and twanged his boner.
"Yuck!" Eve said.
"You got a better idea?" Jaweh said.
"As a matter of fact, I do. You've got enough of us humans already. Just stop right now, while it's still pretty around here."
"You batch are going to wear out," God said.
"What are you talking about?" Eve said. This was news to her.
God was regaining the upper hand. "After you two fooled around with that snake the other day, you're out of here. I'm just waiting for the paperwork to come through."
Eve's face fell. "We're what?!"
"She made me do it!" Adam said.
"Like hell I did!"
"SHUT UP!" God thundered. He could be quite impressive when he wanted to be. "You both did it. And after I expressly told you not to."
"Why put something out there just so people can't have it? It was a sting operation!" cried Eve.
"Yeah, we were set up!" Adam said.
"You two are impossible!" said the Almighty. "I want nothing more out of you -- either verbally or anatomically."
"Good! At least I don't have to 'do it' with my sons after all! And just when I was beginning to think how cute that Cain can be, especially when he's angry!"
"Be quiet, Eve. Let me think," the Almighty said, putting his Infinite Mind to work
Eve said, looking at Adam's boner, "Not another rib! Make something out of that goddamn penis, for god's sake!"
"Please," Adam said, "please, not the penis! It's my favorite part." He clutched it lovingly with both hands.
And verily God was very angry at both of them. "I'm not making anything out of either one of you two ever again -- any part of you."
"That's just fine with me," Eve said. "I can use the rest."
But Adam pointed to his crotch. "But, Lord, I've still got a lot left me in me!"
God couldn't help smiling at his handiwork. "My, he just never wears down, does he? One of my best creations. Well, maybe I can get somebody else besides Eve here to help you carry on the task. Let's see now . . ."
"Not . . . Adam and Steve?!" Adam asked, worried.
"No, I don't think so."
"Oh, good," Adam said, relieved.
"I like that Steve," Eve said. "He tends the garden a hell of a lot better than you do!" She went on, turning to God. (She was a little afraid now.) "But it's your world. Do it your way. What you got in your head this time?"
"Maybe I'll try another species altogether."
"I'm sure that one'll be great too!" Eve said sarcastically, unable to stop herself.
Adam could feel that he was going to be left out of this new plan. "Can't I do something, Lord? How about my medulla oblongata? Make that into something!"
"Sorry, you two, but you have pissed me off one too many times. So bye, bye, babies!" The Lord looked off into the distance and spotted somebody working on the horizon, then cupped his hand and yelled, "You hoo! Cain! Abel! Get your sisters and come on over here? I've got an idea I want you all to try out! I think you'll really find it worthy!"
"You wouldn't!" Eve said, her mouth open.
"Butt out. I'm handling this."
"If this is Paradise, I'm not sorry I'm leaving," Eve said, walking away.
"What's wrong with it?" God said. "I don't see any other options left. What's a little in-breeding? It'll make the human race's stock strong."
Eve shook her head, amazed. "And you call yourself the Almighty? And this is best system you can come up with?! Adam fucks me till death do us part, or else he does his own girls, or I have sex with my boys? And when that doesn't work out, it's my kids having family sex with each other?" Her face was livid. "You call this planning?! This is the best somebody with fucking Infinite Wisdom can come up with? You're nothing but a goddamned idiot!"
"It sounds holy to me," Adam said, thinking, if nothing else, if he played his cards right, maybe he could get to watch.
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